Note: It has been a long time, hey? Welcome back. Or, I don’t know. Welcome me back(?) 🙂
I actually have another post that is in the waiting with the same name. Written at a time where I was on my way back to Canada pretty soon. It is interesting to read about feelings in a past season and find how much has changed and how much has stayed the same.
It feels weird to say “I have been back” because at this point it is starting to feel like I did not even leave. To a dangerous point where I do not want to talk about the six months I spent overseas because I feel like everyone I talk to is bored and tired of listening. The same feeling I had two weeks after returning, is eight months after ‘returning.’ That the moment Thailand escapes my lips eyes roll and interest is immediately lost. It is how I imagine some new parents sometimes feel when they talk about their baby. But at the same time most people they talk to anyways are parents so they get where they are coming from or possibly the younger ones they talk to asked or showed interest in the first place.
If or even when I talk about Thailand, I feel like people think I have not moved on. That I am stuck in the past of a better time in my life. And honestly, I feel that way because I recognize it in myself. I often think and wonder if I focus too much on what was, rather than what is. I look at what I am doing now and feel like it does not amount to what I did, or to what I am going to do.
Which is not true.
For some time I came to believe that where I was at was not where I was supposed to be. Even though I thought I had finally convinced myself that what I was doing held some significance although I could not see it.
Coming back, I went straight to counselling at camp, ‘rested’ for roughly one month, went back to my old job for another month, then finally got a new job. I had applied for a volunteer position at an organization that works with vulnerable women and those who have been sexually exploited, CHILL. People who are heavy on my heart and who I dream to work with in my life. It did not work out, but for good reason, I truly do believe. I continue to serve in the youth ministry as a leader. I took on an internship with the missions pastor at my church, which got me somewhat excited, that is now my favourite part of the week, which has given me the opportunity to go to Russia and Northern Africa to partner with churches there. I got accepted into Vanguard college which means, guess what, Thailand, in one month, is one year away(!). With all this being said, I sat in a puddle of great frustration because I thought I was not where I needed to be, or doing what I thought I needed to do. I had my mind set on the things I would accomplish and get done in the year I would, again, be working. Now I am starting to see what this time, and season has brought me to see and know.
This has been, and continues to be, a season of reflection, and rest. Like when you go to a play, or ballet, or even in really long movies like Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang (I know, it’s technically a musical), they have an intermission. Intermission means to pause or break. Which gives you the opportunity to reflect on what happened, and get you excited for what will happen in the production. To refill your drink and popcorn so you can go back refreshed and ready.
When I initially started writing the first draft of Intermission I had very little understanding and severely underestimated the current season I am in. Definitely because I literally had no idea that it would look the way it does. I would have never expected that such an intermission would develop and deepen friendships, new and old. That it would be an intense time of learning with a new job and the internship coupled with a senior practicum course. Then in the chaos of things new and thinking all I was doing would not fit or work into my dreams for the future I become passive towards my dreams and the gifts I have. It was not until my friend got promoted to a new position at work that I realized I had become incredibly passive towards my dreams. That I actually just stopped working.
I got so wrapped up in focussing on now that I had forgotten the significance of where I was heading.
I ended up thinking and believing I could not work on designing and creating because there was a sequence of events that needed to happen before I looked to create anything again. That this natural talent I have was not good enough in its current state to move forward. That, even thought this time before leaving for Thailand long term, is the most important part of going. I took this season of pause, as literal as pause could get. That instead of developing and strengthening the skills and broadening the knowledge I have, I began to believe that, because they were not as good as I thought they need to be, I had to wait until someone could do that for me. I had to wait for someone to teach me how to do things the ‘right’ way whether it was ministry or fashion.
Which is where the deep frustration set in. Which then turned into light anger towards everything and everyone. Because I thought I was not getting what I needed and had become passive and was waiting for everything to come to me.
Which is where I believe a lot of us get wrapped up in. We take seasons of waiting, and make them into passive waiting rather than active waiting. We want things to come to us because we are waiting for it. Sort of like waiting for the bus. We sometimes forget that there is still work to be done and work that can be done. Whether that is reading a book, or finding a new passion or a new hobby in the mean time. That we can still grow while we wait. That there is still more to learn while we wait. More to do while we wait.
I had forgotten what it was like to work towards my dream that I could possibly not see happen for another five, ten, forty years. I might not even see it happen, but what I ended up getting caught in was the physical where I was. I was not in Thailand, I was not in bible college that would help in Thailand, I was not in fashion school that would be a huge part of all I do in Thailand. So I got passive and thought I would wait until this all came in the order it would so I could then build on what would come, as it came. Makes sense? I got attached to a timeline. To a plan or a sequence of events and forgot about everything that would fall in between. I stopped paying attention to everything that was in between. I ignored the significance of everything in the in between.
I have realized and recognized that this is the place where dreams fall into a massive pit. A dark pit. With a deceivingly narrow, but wide opening. Where a tiny monster tries to consume dreams until they are gone forever. But it is a tiny monster. Because I do not think dreams die. And something as small as this monster cannot consume something as huge as your dreams. Because why do we talk about dreams we had when we were eight years old? That look like being the princess in the ballet Swan Lake? That look like being a teacher? Or being a fashion designer in Russia?
God does not forget about dreams, not even the ‘smallest’ of dreams, even when we do.
With much love and thanks,